If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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