And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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