What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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