Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
