I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
