I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
