What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
