my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
