I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
