I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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