i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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