we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
