I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
