you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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