Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
