a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
