I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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