I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
