I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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