I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
