Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
