i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
