when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
