How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
