Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
