Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
