i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize