You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
