I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
