Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
