i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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