I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
