you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
