dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
