i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
me + whiskey = a bad person
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
