My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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