you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
