he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize