I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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