I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
