You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
