like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize