Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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