I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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