wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
