Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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