so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's shark week go big or go home
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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