Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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