she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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