you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I could make wine with my vomit
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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