I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
