I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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