i may or may not be watching the land before time
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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