saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
