Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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