I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
