I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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