dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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